I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
