mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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