I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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