Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
