Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
