just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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