And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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