ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
