apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
