my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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