The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
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