Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
