i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
