I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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