I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
