So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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