I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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