hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
