now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I have aggressive nipples.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
