I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
