Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
