My hand turned me down
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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