I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Randomize
