Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
