My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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