My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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