I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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