Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
if only i could text you this smell
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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