So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Randomize
