I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
