So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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