I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My orgasm happened in two different decades
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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