why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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