Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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