You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
