even my farts smell like vagina
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Randomize
