Betty ford says i'm here all night
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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