Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
