my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
