Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
