She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
