He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
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I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
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Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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