His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
