i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
