Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
