It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
