I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i will never coherently bang her
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
