I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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