Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Your cock deserves a montage
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
