i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
