Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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