i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
