I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Is Oprah even human
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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