I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
