Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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