Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
