I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
