New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
