I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize