He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
