I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
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i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
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I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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