im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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