ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
