I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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