i would punch a child for taco bell
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
